Feral bankers, enchanted muskrats and black velvet…

Well hello to all the real people and the nice spambots who have been filling up my spam comment catcher.

Sometimes I wonder if spambots have souls. Well actually I never wonder that. I know they are soulless creatures floating in the internet universe desperately hoping that someone will notice them. I once had a friend, more of an acquaintance really, who like spambots would go to great lengths to get anybody with a pulse to talk to her. We would all go out dancing and her chest would be tethered and strapped so high that if she had even attempted the first move in the Watusi, she would have knocked herself out cold. And forget hiphop, that would have put her right in a coma. So just remember, if you ever get tempted to reply to a spambot, you’re just inviting a boozy, strapped in, tethered up, pulse seeking, lousy coma prone dancer into your home.

Occasionally it is tempting to answer them, especially when they give me comments like this..

“I adore foregathering useful info, this post has got me even more info!”

What a flirt, not only can he foregather which I’m assuming is some bizarre psychic thing, he enjoys my usefulness in pointing out tap dancing baby giraffes, bird drowning bigfoots and silly billboards.  I can quite honestly say of all the things I thought could be said about this blog, useful was not one of them.

This one just said

“There you will find 40528 more Infos”.

Infos..with a capitol “I”.  40528 of them. I think it’s trying to get me curious enough to check out it’s Infos. But I don’t want 40528 Infos, I only want a little bit of Info and that my dear spambot is…Who counted all those Infos. And how did you keep track? Did you use a really big abacus or do they come rolled like pennies. And do they smell like pennies? There’s a terrible smell. And it attracts bankers. A cold shiver went down my spine at the thought of attracting bankers. Be careful folks once a banker starts tracking down that penny smell, you’ll be in trouble. The next thing you know you’ll have feral bankers living behind your house, breeding like crazy, scaring your dogs and knocking over your garbage cans looking for torn up bills. Then you’ll have to listen to them maniacally laughing while they try to piece them back together. Let me tell, you have to shred that paper really good or really well..whichever you prefer.

I know, spambot, I know. The simplest explanation is that you have 2026 employees who counted on their fingers and toes and one employee who after a horrible Infoaccident lost three digits on each extremity. That’s very sad, Infoaccidents are terrible things, you shouldn’t mock the guy and make him keep counting on his poor mangled extremities. And in protest until you do I’m not checking out your link. I won’t be a party to such a lackadaisical attitude towards Infoaccidents.

This one tried to trick me into believing my site wasn’t working.

“I’m not certain exactly why but this web website is loading incredibly slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end? I’ll check back later and see if the issue still exists”

Buddy, I’d like to help you but I have no idea how this site works. For all I know, enchanted muskrats could be taking care of it while I’m not around. And anyway, you probably just need a better internet connection. I suggest using cable.

This spambot was really clever. It said..

“I’ve just been talking to Sean Gallagher about his upcoming Instant Income Cash Machine course, and he’s been kind enough to fill me in on a couple of details regarding his upcoming course. “

That’s right, it tried to fool me into thinking it was my mother by telling me pointless gossip about people I don’t know. Throw in a trip to the grocery store where there was some nice produce (my mother once left me a six minute message about the nice onions she bought at the grocery store. I don’t even like onions), a story about the Hysterical I mean Historical Society and some random observations about “Raccoons” which is what she calls UFO’s so no one thinks she is crazy and you might have had me fooled.

And this one just outright tried me order around.

“You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics..panda”

All I have to say to that is.. NO! and who are you calling panda?

Well I was through amusing myself with spambots after that so I took to going through some of the more ridiculous filters on my photo editing program. It’s an old Microsoft one and like all the good programs they come out with they promptly discontinued it when they realized it actually worked. I would use Photoshop or Corel, but my computer has a glitch in it that doesn’t allow me to download either one. It runs on Windows 7 which is kind of like Windows Vista which is nothing like XP which actually worked and thus was discontinued. I’d listen to my Zune, which I liked better then the IPod but I can’t find the power charging cord. I’d buy a new one but alas..that’s right…discontinued.

So to make a long story short (hahahahaha, man I crack myself up) there’s this filter that turns photos into a neonish, little bit tacky, little bit garish, sort of black velvet painting with a modern twist. I mean who can resist that right.

Well I managed to resist it for seven long years.. then I realized I could do this to my dog. I would show you a nicely taken photo of my dog but for that fact that I took him to the groomer last week. She apparently mistook him for a poodle on crack mixed with a Clydesdale mixed with a bat that had had unnatural relations with a primate. He had weird poufy things going on and long shaggy legs, bat ears and a shaved nose, back and bottom to boot. The poor dog looked a baboon from behind. A baboon with weird ass poodle poufs. And bat ears. And Clydesdale legs. So I cut off the weird poodle poufs, bat ears and Clydesdale legs but there’s just nothing I can do about the baboon thing, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t go for a toupee.


“The Groomer did What?!?”

westie neon




©Virginia Spencer, thepurpledogpaintingblog, 2012

16 thoughts on “Feral bankers, enchanted muskrats and black velvet…

  1. I laughed til tears ran. We have a Lahasa Apso I took to a groomer a few months ago. She has very long hair and the demented woman who was only asked to shampoo her did the baboon thing to her. Well, there just isn’t much you can do. She mooned everyone when she walked away!

    I enjoy your blogs. Keep writing and don’t let the spambots get you down!

  2. LMAO! A wonderful post Virginia 😀 I may have to sue you though – for the damage done from laughing way too much! 😉 I just love Akismet, it does such a great job of catching all that spam twaddle. I sometimes wonder if I’m right to use it though – my “readership” figures would be hugely inflated without it lol.

    Now that just shouldn’t happen to a dog…. err, I mean, well – you know 🙂 He’s probably got a few cats he knows that he’d just love to send to that groomer 😀

  3. I recently had a new rash of spam hit me – all of it is half gibberish/half makes sense and looks like it came from Facebook. Downside it is a pain. Upside Askimet catches all of it so it never posts and my hits are way up!

    Love the pop art neon dog!

  4. BTW – just checked my spam, and the spambots are forgetting their manners. One of them starts out by telling me it hasn’t checked my blog for a while “as I thought it was getting boring”! Gosh, spambot, love ya too.

  5. I thought spam was some kind of processed meat byproduct. I never venture into my computer enough. Ignorance is bliss. Samson looks great. Too bad you couldn’t dye him that colour.

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