Recently I watched a very serious documentary. In this documentary, two charming young fellows, let’s call them Crackalackin’ and Sippin’Shine, fell prey to a mysterious and elusive creature deep in the Appalachian forests of West Virginia. One day while wandering through the woods, misfortune befell them when they came upon this dastardly, devilish, despicable, degenerate of a demon.
Even though they were terrified, petrified, paralyzed and stupefied, they were able to give a clear and concise description.
The creature was gigantic! Nine feet tall at least! It was a slovenly creature with disheveled wooly white fur. It had a damp rank smell.
It had flaming red eyes that gleamed with malicious intent, much like my Siamese, Minou’s would glitter if I did not obey her every command, may she rest in peace. (or at least rest under the large rock and brick memorial I built for her, I told my neighbors that it was to keep the coyotes from disturbing her grave but I really did it because I still think she was part vampire and I didn’t want her digging herself out)
See what I mean..
Man I loved that cat.
It had ram’s horns, not the musical instrument or the plant, but horns similar to those one might see on a ruminant animal.
It’s muscular arms were outstretched as if it was channeling Frankenstein’s creation. At the end of it’s arms, raccoon like paws with eagles talons reached for them.
And it had a possum bottom. With a prehensile tail.
It was the platypus of monsters.
That’s right it was the…the…
Da Da Da Dum…..
(a distant clap of thunder is heard)
Or a large albino platypus. Take your pick.
But in the moments before Crackalackin’ and Sippin’Shine noticed this smelly, white, towering, wooly, horned, Siamese eyed, raccoon pawed, eagle taloned, Frankensteinian creature with a possum butt…
they innocently mistook it for a tree.
Which begs the question. What the hell kind of trees do they have in Appalachia?
Are they like this tree? I call this photo “The Mad Tree” because that tree is mad. I didn’t’ stop and ask why. It didn’t seem like the type of tree to appreciate any kind of neighborly concern.
Not to cast aspersions on the tales of Crackalackin’ and Sippin’Shine but I live with a Sammy Squatch.
A Sammy Squatch is a rare but not so elusive creature.
While the Sammy Squatch (Minimus Canis Squatchacus) is one of the smaller members of the Squatchie familiaris, he does share some of the distinguishing features of his larger cousin, Sheep Squatch, (Grandis Gluteus Bestia). He too has wooly disheveled fur and sometimes smells rather cadaverous. He, however, does not have raccoon paws with eagles talons but instead has mole feet. He does not have a prehensile tail but indeed has a tail that Sammy Squatch grooming books describes as carrot like, yes he has a gluteus vegetablis (that being the scientific term for carrot butt).
The Sammy Squatch prefers to hang out in brand new recliners that nobody else has actually sat in yet, not that I’m bitter or anything, while drinking his beer.
And even though I’ve been hanging out with the Sammy Squatch for six years, never once have I ever mistaken him for a tree. I’ve never even mistaken him for a shrubbery.
I mean it’s not like they saw a Triffid. I could understand mistaking a Triffid for a tree.
It can be noted that they ran as soon as they saw it so how they saw it’s Frankensteinian arms with it’s raccoon hands and eagles talons while also noticing it’s possum butt is beyond me. It must have been standing in a very awkward position (or maybe they interrupted it’s yoga session). At this point I lost all faith in this “documentary”. I’m starting to believe it may not have been an actual documentary.
I was about to turn it off when they went onto a tale about aliens and a shootout in Appalachia. Now who can resist that.
So these people are in a cabin playing cards (poker) and of course they weren’t drinking at all (really) when one of them noticed a creature in the woods. He described this creature as hunched over with front arms as long as it’s back legs and the arms were touching the ground. In other words it had four legs. It had big brown eyes, velvety skin and soft pointy ears. So of course they shot and shot and shot (p’ting! p’ting! p’ting!) breaking all the windows and yet it never once returned fire.
Because it was a deer.
And as everyone knows, deer don’t use shotguns, they prefer slingshots.
But that is heck of a story to come up with up with just to avoid paying for all the windows they broke while doing lord knows what. I’m only telling you this just in case you break a window and need an excuse for doing so. You’re welcome.
Meanwhile in my own backyard, a rampant invasion has taken place. All over the lawn there are dozens of little crop circles, swirly ones with holes in the middle. They look exactly like the marks a skunk would make when searching for slugs. They also look exactly like the landing marks a miniature fleet of little tiny UFO’s would make. So either I have skunks or I can go with the more likely explanation which is that little tiny aliens are invading the planet nightly.
Okay that last photo may be a wee bit tampered with.
My apologies, I’ll go stand in a corner.
Meanwhile, fancy a flaming inferno photo?
Have a good one. And watch out for mad trees.
©Virginia Spencer, thepurpledogpaintingblog, 2013
15 thoughts on “Sheep Squatch, Sammy Squatch and Little Green Men.”
Love the story – you know, mentioning the triffids does date one, but that was to me an all-time scary (albeit corny) movie. I will be awaiting the book on yours.
😀 I was going to put a link for the triffids to explain what they are, but then I thought, why make it easy. I love corny movies the creepy corny ones are the best!
You know Virginia, the jury is still out, at least in my mind, as to your sanity, LOL! How in the h e double hockey sticks do you come up with this stuff? I have to say it is quite entertaining though. I read the whole damned thing! Still shaking my head, Margie
I blame TV myself! 😀
LOL – but also shaking my head because years ago I also had a Siamese cat named Minou! – Suzan –
I’ll bet you money, it was the same cat!
Wow, this is a great science blog! Cryptobotany, slug-hunting aliens, and fantastical critters all in one post. With real high-class sciency names for things too – I especially like “grandis gluteus bestia”.
But maybe what I like best of all is that sinister deer spying on the poker players. Heck, they had to defend themselves, right?
I was wondering if anyone would catch that one. Latin is a lost art. 😀
I’m thinking the deer were either working for the North Koreans or the ATF! They’re adorable and very dangerous!
I loved this!
I spotted a movie on SciFi about an army? platoon infected with werewolf virus. On purpose. Havent watched it but there are red flags all over this. Sort of like herding cats. Lets skip the problems with gathering the virus. I’m betting they don’t follow orders well. And there will be a point where the only solution is to bomb them.
Inquiring minds need to know.
I did watch it..for research purposes only of course. 😀
I was too distracted by the Allstate Insurance spokesman who played the LT. General. Every time he said “Werewolves are invading New York City”, I expected him to follow it with “Allstate covers that”..
Holy Cow Virginia, that was a mouthful. I loved all the alliterations. It appears that your minds was on overdrive. Please get Sammy a bigger bottle of bear.
😀 This is my brain on no sleep…
P’ting! P’ting! Lol. Your description of the Sasquatch sounds alot like my description of you as a teenager in the wee hours of a weekday, waking up and getting ready for school. Oh and Margie, the whole family is nuts! Virginia takes the cake!!!
I would totally go with the miniature fleet of ufo’s. I work in a garden centre and I may just have to borrow that line since we don’t have skunks here 🙂